Is There Greater Pain? When Christians Sin Against You

Over the years, I have heard other Christians say that they have been hurt more or in more painful ways by other Christians than they have by non-Christians. Of course, this should not be the case at all. Nevertheless, it is a topic worth considering. Having experienced pain at the hands of other Christians in the not too distant past, as my wife's and my reputation was smeared and I was even accused of not having absorbed some elements of the gospel, we (along with our kids) can attest that there appears to be some truth to this. Why is it that Christians are hurt by other Christians more than they are by non-Christians? How true is it to say that the pain from sin caused by other Christians is more painful than pain caused by non-Christians? Even more importantly, how do we overcome this pain?

In one sense, it really is more painful when a Christian hurts another Christian but in another sense it is not. It is not as though the sin committed against you in and of itself is necessarily worse (though it certainly can be), but rather the fact that it is a fellow Christian – a brother or sister in Christ – that makes it uniquely painful. Let me illustrate it this way. If an acquaintance at work lies to you, it may be an annoyance and even painful. Still, you may be able to shake it off, so to speak, in a relatively short period of time. However, if your spouse were to tell the same lie to you, that's a different story. Deep trust that is supposed to be a crucial characteristic of a marriage is broken; it can and often does take a long time to rebuild that trust even after true repentance has taken place and forgiveness has been granted.

The Westminster Larger Catechism provides us with a little help in this discussion. "Q. 150. Are all transgressions of the law of God equally heinous in themselves, and in the sight of God? A. All transgressions of the law are not equally heinous; but some sins in themselves, and by reason of several aggravations, are more heinous in the sight of God than others." Thus, while it is true that some sins in themselves are more heinous than others, it is equally true that there are other considerations which aggravate the pain of a sin - and this holds true when it that sin is committed against us. The Westminster Divines continued:

Q. 151. What are those aggravations that make some sins more heinous than others?
A. Sins receive their aggravations,
1. From the persons offending; if they be of riper age, greater experience or grace, eminent for profession, gifts, place, office, guides to others, and whose example is likely to be followed by others.
2. From the parties offended: if immediately against God, his attributes, and worship; against Christ, and his grace; the Holy Spirit, his witness, and workings; against superiors, men of eminency, and such as we stand especially related and engaged unto; against any of the saints, particularly weak brethren, the souls of them, or any other, and the common good of all or many.
3. From the nature and quality of the offence: if it be against the express letter of the law, break many commandments, contain in it many sins: if not only conceived in the heart, but breaks forth in words and actions, scandalize others, and admit of no reparation: if against means, mercies, judgments, light of nature, conviction of conscience, public or private admonition, censures of the church, civil punishments; and our prayers, purposes, promises, vows, covenants, and engagements to God or men: if done deliberately, willfully, presumptuously, impudently, boastingly, maliciously, frequently, obstinately, with delight, continuance, or relapsing after repentance.
4. From circumstances of time, and place: if on the Lord's day, or other times of divine worship; or immediately before or after these, or other helps to prevent or remedy such miscarriages: if in public, or in the presence of others, who are thereby likely to be provoked or defiled.

I realize this is a rather extensive list, but notice in particular the first item on the list, namely the persons offending. Connect that now with part of the second item on the list, namely the offended party being any of the saints. Generally speaking, we can see that each of these items can easily overlap, but more specifically, the Westminster Divines rightly noted that one of the things that makes a sin more heinous is a Christian sinning against another Christian.

This truth can be seen in the words of David in Psalm 55. He begins his prayer to God by describing his deep, deep anguish and pleads with God to hear him in his distress. What is the reason for his anguish? "For it is not an enemy who taunts me — then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me — then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. We used to take sweet counsel together; within God’s house we walked in the throng" (Psalm 55:12-4). Notice how David's pain is due more to the offender than it is to the offense itself, which he admits he could bear if it had been an enemy who did it. It was a friend with whom he counseled, with whom he worshiped God. David doesn't stop here though. "My companion stretched out his hand against his friends; he violated his covenant. His speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords" (51:20-21). Note the fact that David's friend violated his covenant. While we are not told the specifics, we must remember how important the people in David's lifetime viewed a covenant. In those days a covenant was a solemn pledge or bond usually inaugurated by a ceremony indicating what would happen to the one who violated the covenant (see Genesis 15). Simply put, David was hurt by another professing believer and it seems that it hurt him more because of who did it rather than what was done.

Another such place that helps to illustrate this point is in what I call "the other Mathew 18." Most of us are quite familiar Matthew 18:15-19 and the process involved when a brother sins and refuses to repent potentially leading to excommunication. However, in a familiar parable that few remember occurs in Matthew 18 as well, Jesus teaches us what our heart attitude needs to be when a brother who sins against us repents. I'll come back to this below, but for now I want you to notice the debt of the fellow servant. We are told in the parable that the fellow servant owed the first servant a hundred denarii - an amount that is relatively tiny compared to the 10,000 talents the first servant owed his master to be sure. Nevertheless, the point that most teachers neglect to mention is that a hundred denarii is no small amount. A denarius was the usual daily wage for the common day laborer or foot soldier. Assuming a six day work week, you're looking at nearly seventeen weeks or four months of wages. Can you imagine if someone owed you four months of your annual salary? Jesus is in no way minimizing the pain sin can cause – sin hurts! Yes, I realize this is not the main point of the parable, but Jesus is certainly not ignoring the truth that it really hurts when a brother sins against you. He knows that you will find it difficult to forgive because it hurts and this is why He reminds you and me in this parable that we owe our infinite God an infinite debt that we cannot possibly repay... a debt which God forgave out of pity for us when we sought mercy from Him in faith. The point of the parable is that we cannot say we have understood God's grace in our lives if we are unwilling to forgive from the heart a repentant brother who had sinned against us. After all, while it is true that a hundred denarii is no small amount, it is a debt that is not insurmountable. The same is true of a brother's sin against you; it certainly may be painful, but it is not insurmountable.

The pain caused by the sin committed against you by a fellow Christian does not negate our responsibility to forgive him if he repents. Let's face facts here... it's hard to forgive. I submit to you that if you are having difficulty forgiving a repentant brother who sinned against you, then most likely you are not reflecting on God's love and grace nearly enough; you are not reflecting on the well-being and holiness of your brother; you are not concerned about the rift that exists between the two of you; you are not concerned about reconciliation. "Yes, but he really hurt me!" No doubt that is true, but remember our great and sympathetic high priest. He knows what it is like when sinned against; He knows what it is like to be mocked publicly; He knows what it is like to be abandoned and denied by His friends; He knows what it is like to be murdered by those whom He created. He knows. Turn to Him and repent of your own sin of holding a grudge. But how do you know if you're holding a grudge? Ask yourself these questions: Do you gossip to others about your brother and his sin against you? Do you post your mood on Facebook in order to get people to ask you what's wrong? Do you think about the sin rather than reconciliation? Has your own worship of God become cold and rote both privately and corporately? Do you rehearse in your mind over and over again exactly what you would say to that person and how you would say it if given the chance? These things do nothing but increase the rift between you and your brother; it causes bitterness and hatred to take hold of your thoughts and become deeply rooted in your heart when it is a desire for reconciliation to the glory of God that should be you main concern. Reconciliation ought to be your primary goal and granting forgiveness to a repentant brother is a huge step toward achieving that goal.

Forgiveness is hard precisely because sin hurts. Nevertheless, making a habit of meditating on the riches of God's grace in your life despite the infinite debt that you owe to Him will be the most important foundation for you as you seek to demonstrate the same love and grace to a fellow Christian who sinned against you. Granting forgiveness demonstrates to your brother and the world at large that you have comprehended the forgiveness you have received in Christ Jesus; it tells the world and especially your brother that fellowship in Christ is paramount to you. "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31). Remember – a brother or sister in the Lord who has repented has been forgiven by God, so how can you not also grant forgiveness? Granting true forgiveness from the heart to a brother in Christ is a wonderful testimony of the grace of the gospel in our lives.